The things I do in the interest of scientific research.
Last night, I forced myself to watch an entire episode of “The Bachelorette.” Of course, before watching it, I made sure to pull the shades down, lest my neighbors get the wrong idea. It's one thing to have them catch me enjoying Cartoon Network on Saturday morning but quite another to have them think I watch drivel like this.
This latest batch of bachelors trotted out every cliche in the book, trying to win the heart of Emily Maynard, this year's lucky (and last year's unlucky) bachelorette.
One guy claimed this was the first day of the rest of his life. Another had his breath taken way by her beauty. A third didn't want to toot his own horn, but shockingly, went on to. There was also the biology teacher who was hoping to create chemistry and the former “womanizer” who, upon self-reflection, is now responsible, vulnerable and down to earth.
Hey, Emily, if you believe any of that crap, I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona and a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
To their credit, the “Bachelors” made good use of a thesaurus. Within the space of an hour, Emily was called beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, unbelievable, fantastic, stunning, awesome and phenomenal. A simple “pretty” would have sufficed.
The best line of the night came at the expense of one particular fool. This guy came on smoother than a baby's bottom. Carrying a glass (or, more likely, plastic) slipper, he called himself Prince Charming and laid it on real thick.
Calling Emily a princess, he told her he believed in fairy tales, happy endings, etc. When he finished his spiel, Emily, with a straight face, looked at him and asked, “What was your name again?”
Not since Burns and Allen has there been such great comic timing.