From time to time, I have a conversation with my maternal grandmother, who passed away in the 1960s.
My conversations with her began when I thought she must have rolled over in her grave during the television coverage of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
I felt I owed it to her to explain it all because I know she must be terribly confused about what the word “is” means and why they talked so blatantly about sex. (It was at least six rollovers for Grandma.)
Today, I have just a couple things to cover with her. First of all, Grandma, about multitasking.
You used to multitask when you held a baby on your hip and fried chicken for the hungry thrashers you fed at harvest time. Today, multitasking means that while you are driving, you text a friend, eat chicken nuggets, program your GPS and swat your children in the back seat of your SUV.
Another thing that might be confusing to you is “butt dialing.” Yes, I used the word “butt” in public, but don’t worry, everyone does.
This “butt dialing” when you have your cell phone in your back pocket and accidentally sit on it, and a part of your derriere speed-dials someone’s number.
When they answer, you don’t respond because you are sitting on your phone, unaware your butt has dialed someone. In a minute or two, that person accesses your number and calls you back. Then, you take it out of your pocket and you have a conversation that goes something like this: They: “Why did you call me?” You: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you. My butt called you.” They: “Oh. Nice talking to you.”
That’s butt dialing, Grandma.
What’s a cellphone? You won’t believe it, Grandma, a cellphone is a small version of your big farm crank phone, and you can put it in your pocket.
Grandma, a cellphone can also take pictures and access your email, and if you’ve committed a crime, the police can trace your calls and you can go to jail.
Sometimes, it’s hard to know the difference between your camera and your cellphone. They look alike, and you can put either of them in your pocket. I often try to call someone on my camera, but it’s better if I use my phone. I can also text on my phone. Oh — what’s texting?
Please don’t roll over in your grave today, Grandma. I know it’s all very confusing, but just have faith that if science advances much more, I will be able to butt dial you in heaven and you will simply pick up your crank phone and text me.