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Warning: Too many product labels caution us about the obvious

Saturday, May 11, 2013 - 12:01 am

A friend of mine (according to Facebook, I officially have 73 1/2 ) forwarded a humorous quote the other day. Cleaned up for a family paper, it said, “Back in my day, we didn't have as many warning labels. People weren't so gosh-darn stupid.” Ain't that the truth!

Do we really need a note on the side of a Mr. Clean bottle that says, “Avoid contact with eyes”?

Is it necessary to tell us the filling inside a McDonald's “hot” apple pie may be hot?

All you have to do is look around the house to find numerous other examples. One of the 13 warnings on an iron states, “To protect against risk of electric shock, do not immerse the iron in water or other liquids.” Who knew?

Speaking of that, I'm amazed no one in the clothes-flattening industry has picked up on the idea of rebranding one of those heavy appliances with the shiny metal bottoms as an “iRon” to cash in on the i-Everything craze. Slap a half-eaten apple on the logo, and the Mac nuts will buy it, sight unseen.

Continuing down the road of uncommon sense, the packaging on a hunk of Kraft Cracker Barrel cheese says, “Safety first! Open the wrapper with your hands, not your teeth.” You just know somewhere down the line a lawyer got rich after some jerk chipped a tooth trying to cut the cheese (packaging) improperly. Hopefully, he wasn't in a crowded elevator.

The instructions on the side of a DiGiorno individual frozen pizza box (keyword: “frozen”!) cautions, “Not ready to eat. Cook thoroughly.” I wonder who the genius was who prompted that warning? My guess is another chipped tooth was involved. It goes on to remind the user to remove the pie from the plastic wrapper before putting it in the oven. That really sucks for people who love the taste of melted plastic.

Mike Marin is a cranky curmudgeon who, when he’s not yelling at kids to get off his lawn, likes to complain about the sad state of popular culture, especially as seen through a TV screen. His email address is marinating@tribune.com. This column is the personal opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinion of The News-Sentinel.