THE PIGSKIN PROPHET: Reeling off the best names in local high school football, with an occasional burp
And then there were two. Weeks, that is.
We are now a mere 14 days from opening night of the most glorious time of the year – high school football season.
The Pigskin Prophet has stocked up on knock-off soda for his Friday night caffeine needs: Moon Mist, Dr. Thunder, Big Fizz, all the classics. If it’s cheap, fizzy (it’s a real word, look it up) and full of caffeine, it’s in The Pig’s fridge. You might think this swine is cheap, but it can get costly stocking up until the second week of sectional play or the last game for East Noble. (Ha! I crack myself up. Just kidding Knights. I have a good feeling about this being your year.)
While combing local groceries and convenience stores for Citrus Sling and Rally Cola, The Pig got to thinking: What are some of the best prep football player names hitting the field this fall?
The Pig has scanned the unofficial rosters of our local teams and can declare, with only the least amount of – burp! – hesitation, these are the best of the best names:
Gianini Belizaire, Snider defensive lineman
This is, quite simply, an awesome name. Gianini! The fact he’s 6-foot-2 and 280 pounds of bountiful Belizaire makes him even greater in The Pig’s eyes. Coach Kurt Tippmann says he has skills, too. Some poor quarterback is going to get squashed this fall and he’ll look up and realize he’s been Gianini-ed!
Gunnar Fry, Homestead kicker
When Gunnar Fry kicks the ball, it’s Gonna Fly! Gunnar Fry! Gonna Fly! Gunnar Fry! Gonna Fly! I can hear the Spartans student section chanting already.
Logan Hippensteel, Huntington North running back
Doesn’t Logan Hippensteel sound like a running back making a slick move past a poor, would-be tackler? “He gives him the old Hippensteel shake and he’s headed for the end zone!”
Arland Coolman, Leo lineman
The Pig has always wanted to be cool, man, and here Arland walks around a Coolman all day long. The Pig believes anytime a lineman has the best name on the team, everybody wins.
Leyth Al-Mohammedawi, East Noble lineman
The Pig hopes Al-Mohammedawi ends up with the ball and a touchdown somehow, just so The Pig’s buddy Justin Prince (a former football lineman with a great name in his own right) can roll this name off his tongue during the highlights.
Devonair Kelsaw, Wayne running back/wide receiver
The Pig has always dreamed of being very Devonair. What? That’s debonair, you say? Nah, The Pig’s never wanted that. He just wants to run like the wind, you know, being very Devonair.
AJ Restivo and GT Baker, Leo quarterback and linebacker
The Pig is curious if Leo/Grabill parents ran out of ideas for full first names. The Pigskin Prophet once thought about going by his initials, but something about PP didn’t sound quite right.
Max Ringger, Norwell running back/linebacker
They tell me one “g” is silent, but which one? On a related note, The Pig likes to irritate local golfers by putting his cell phone on max ringer while they’re lining up to putt.
Blaze Kizer, Bluffton wide receiver
What, you think a guy named Blaze is going to be the nose tackle? (The Pig was informed after this column was published that Blaze’s name is really Blake. Not anymore.)
Jacob Bolt, Columbia City quarterback
The Pig has to believe this guy can take off and run, too. “J-Bolt” would also be a great name for a knock-off soda.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for to put in a mail order from Piggly Wiggly for their terrific-tasting beverage, Mr. Pig.
This column is the commentary of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of The News-Sentinel.